Thunderstorms, Gamecock Baseball, and the NBA Finals

It all started with a thunderstorm. . .

It was pretty much a mirror image of tonight.  A summer storm was brewing; the Gamecocks were headed to Omaha, the NBA finals were on.  But yet, everything was completely different.  That night, it seemed harmless enough.  I penned a little ditty of a facebook status about the impending storm.  You inboxed me a comment.  And just like every other conversation between the two of us to that point, it was easy, carefree banter.  But I knew, as well as you did, that there was something a little bit loaded about the entire conversation.  Days and weeks and months passed and as our banter increased it became less and less simple, until that night six months later when it got complicated.

I know I am the one who actually made it complicated.  I am the one who put the words out there, but only because for the first time in my life I was sure of myself when a man was on the other end of my conversation.  I mean I was there through all the years of flirtatious comments.  I was there when I saw you look at me across the room with that look on your face.  I was there when you put your head on mine that night in my car and let me talk through all my issues.  I was there when I know you realized it was more than you wanted it to be and literally, physically pulled away.  Yup, I was there for all of it, so when you told me you didn’t like me, I literally had no words. 

But you know, I never was really angry with you because deep down, I get it.  I know, without a shadow of a doubt that you never meant to hurt me.  I know when you told me that it was the truth.  I know you telling me that was the truth as just as much as I know you saying you don’t like me isn’t the truth.  It’s one of those things a woman just knows in her gut, even if you don’t. 

I am not being melodramatic about it.  Really I am not sitting here mooning over you because that makes me laugh on so many levels.  I guess what I am saying is that I get it.  I get you more than you can know.

I get that you aren’t ready to be in a relationship.  I guess if I want to be completely honest you told me that last summer before I it ever got to the complicated part.  But I am saying I really do get it.  I know our conversation had nothing really to do with me.  Looking back, I knew it that night.  I know it even more now. 

But I want you to know that the things I said to you that night, I really did mean them, every single word.  I meant it when I said I liked you long before our first conversation about the thunderstorm.  I meant it when I said I don’t want to change you.  Why would I want to?  Why would I want to change that devilish gleam in your eye and the way you really do love your friends with all you have?  Why would I want to change that crazy way you throw your head back to laugh at yourself when you think you said something really funny?  Why would I want to change the way you pretend to be a bad boy, but really you’re just a big softie? Why would I want to change the strong Christian man you are, and the more I see that in you the more I believe. . .  well. . . .I just believe.

I meant it when I said that when you figured it all out I would be here, not waiting really, but just be here.  I meant it when I said we make so much sense it is scary.  I meant it when I said how amazing we could be together.  I meant it when I said if you don’t feel the same way you are missing out because I am amazing.  But you know what, you are too.

You are amazing, and for all your talk and mouth running, I don’t think you really believe that.  I don’t think you give yourself the credit you deserve.  I think you sell yourself short. I don’t think you see the things in yourself I do, and I honestly don’t think anyone wants the things for you I do, the way I do. 

I don’t really know what stirred all this up tonight.  Oh yeah, the thunderstorm, Gamecock baseball, and the NBA finals.  I guess history tells me tonight could be the start of something.  .  .