They're Just Words

They’re just words. They’re just words. If they are just words then why are they so hard to say? If they were just words, the right words would just come out. If they were just words they wouldn’t affect so much. If they were just words they wouldn’t change lives; they wouldn’t break hearts; they wouldn’t tear families apart; they wouldn’t bring laughter out of tears.

Words are the most powerful, magic weapon we have. That’s why I love them so much. I love words. I love to speak them, sing them, read them, write them. I love to shuffle them around on paper, in my head and create the perfect thought, the perfect sentiment. I love to pour over other people’s words, whether they are lines from a movie, a song, a book, a marketer’s perfect ad, because it amazes me other people can feel the same things, value the same things, want the same things I do.

Words are my life. Do you have any idea how many times I have been told I talk too much? too loud? Too fast? Do you know how much joy I get from finding just the right words to make others laugh, to express how thankful I am to have them in my life? Do you know how many songs, movie lines, quotes, poems, magazine and newspaper articles are trapped in my head and pop to the front of my mind to perfectly describe how I feel or what I saw or a way to help someone else understand a situation?

Words pour from and around me endlessly. All the words, that is, except the most important words, the words that get stuck somewhere between my heart, my head, and my mouth every time I see you.

In the middle of the night or when you’re nowhere around, they invade me. These words swim around and keep me from thinking of anything else. There have been so many scenes written, rehearsed, and perfected, but in the end have met the same fate as an endless array of scripts and drafts, balled up on the paper cluttered floor of my mind

There are emotional scenes because we all know I have a knack for drama. It usually includes some crowded room, a drink or ten and you not realizing how my subliminal actions are screaming for you to notice me. And when you don’t and daringly come up to me like everything is okay, I can’t talk to you.

“How dare you be so cold, so callous, as to belittle my feelings so much as to flaunt your nonchalance in my face,” I think angrily to myself.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” I say as you attempt to begin a conversation.

You look confused, bewildered. All your innocence does is anger me even more. You begin to protest and hot tears begin to sting my eyes betraying any attempt at a cool exit. I think about walking away, but alas, the multitude of words forming cannot be denied, and the emotional scene unfolds.

“I said I don’t want to talk to you right now. I don’t want to talk to you because it hurts too much to know that I mean so little to you that you really wouldn’t care if you ever saw me again or not! It hurts to know that I think you are quite possible the single most amazing person I have ever known, and all I am to you is a mere acquaintance, someone who’ll never be at the top of you list of most important people! I mean I know you care, at least a little, but I won’t ever mean as much to you as you do to me!”

As I speak, the tears flow faster and hotter until I have reached my breaking point, so I turn and leave you in a state of shell shock.

Then there are the as-matter-of-fact scenes. These usually entail me and you, alone, in some random situation. Somewhere in this aloneness I find a clear moment of braveness and just lay it all on the line. In the middle of the random moment I just say something like, “You know, I pretty think you are great and quite possibly the coolest person I know. I’m not really asking anything from you or expecting anything, but I just wanted you to know that I would love to spend more time with you. As far as I’m concerned I have said my peace, and we never have to speak of this moment again unless you want to. The next step is completely up to you.”

At this point the scene has alternate endings. Sometimes I again turn and walk away assured in my confident, cool statements. Other times there’s a quick kiss (there’s always room for some drama) before I turn and walk away.

In my mind both scenes seem so effortless and in all reality it isn’t even the actual words that are important. What’s important is getting anything out at all, anything that could give you some idea of all the things you unknowingly make me think and feel and question.

I guess that last statement brings some things to mind. I guess are just that, words. They themselves are harmless. Blue. Love. Laugh. The sun is hot. Ice is cold. No harm, no emotion comes from these words.

I guess it’s the audience and the speaker of the that give them their power.

An “I love you,” from mother to child brings comfort, peace, security. The same three words from husband to wife creates warmth, safety, happiness. But have the wrong person hear those words or the wrong person speak them, and you’ve created fear, anxiety, turmoil.

The thing is, though, you can never really be certain of your audience. Sometimes that, “I love you,” from a parent, a spouse, a significant other can also create turmoil; just as an, “I love you,” from a completely unexpected source can turn your world upside down and set you on a path you never saw coming.